So, eventually I realize that all I wanted to become is a person who find something hidden, something not visible to others… something unique and never heard or never experienced before… and share them with others… I wanted to break the spell which most of the people have in their lives that there is nothing special… everything is so ordinary… even the things people believe as extraordinary are so ordinary… so I always felt that there should be something which is extraordinary!
I didn’t know how I got this feeling that as a kid… but somehow, I felt that by finding my own self … my own nature which I thought so weird as a kid will be the answer… will be the person whom I wanted to be in the future. “Selftist” a person who do research on own self.
It’s amazing that whenever I feel this idea, it was the only thing approved by my best friend, without pointing out many meaningless things in the process.
As you know we are Buddhist from birth. So, the label is there and we have to learn Buddhism as a subject in the school from the childhood… May be such experiences made me to believe in Samma Sambuddha as the only one who worthy to trust and share every single secret in my life. It wasn’t kind of following or faith or believing… it’s bit hard to explain the way I took that whole thing in my mind.
So, in the books it was written that Samma Sambuddha’s recommendation was “Nirvana” the enlightenment. Then I thought ok I’ll go for that in my 30s and till that I have time to become the one who I wanted to be. “Selftist”!! And my best friend agreed for that.
Now only I see the point why he agreed on that time with my decision, because it is the same thing. So, I am happy I succeeded with my ambition and I feel I am a successful “selftist” by my 30s. And now it’s just the delay of completing the same self-expedition!