The other problem I found in me was that I felt so empty all the time. I was lack with desires. Whenever I have a desire my thoughts were calculating each level of achieving what I desired. Then I saw there is nothing to achieve.
It’s so empty at the end! Even after making so much of effort and spending loads of time over that, I found an emptiness as the results. I think this problem of mine was so helpful for me to skilled in my imagination powers too.
I always thought I am too good for a writer… or film maker… or someone who is with a possibility of conquering the creative world. Then again, the same problem aroused. I saw the emptiness of final results.
Actually, I had a habit of having some serious discussion with my own self. With my own mind. Samma Sambuddha was the best friend of mine who stayed there. It was not like a figure. I just felt that the blessed one is there with me… who give me advice and show the path. I don’t know how that came to in my mind. It was just there from the childhood.
I felt he is the only one I can trust. Because I saw loads of mistakes and faults in other adults around me and even though I respect them a lot I didn’t feel like their advices are reliable enough for my problems. So, Samma Sambuddha was the one as my best friend who was supporting me to find the emptiness of everything!
If I expose you some more of my life and the way I observe things as a child and how they guide me to the answer… here it is!
As for an example; as a child, I suppose to have some ambitions in my life. I am becoming this & that in the future etc… so whenever I remember that I should answer to this question (which I found so stupid) I leisurely having some serious discussion over the matter.
I was thinking of being a doctor and all the good things I can do as an doctor then my best friend was pointing out loads of useless and meaningless things in the process and was asking me is that what you want to do with your life? Then I too find “yes there is a logic” so I give up… then another… another… sometimes I needed to be an archaeologist, sometimes a person who find about insects like ants & other tiniest beings. Because I thought they are so neglected and in my childhood, we were not so exposed to the outer world like now.
We didn’t have the computer to browse. It’s just the books and the TV and my book collection was so limited and the TV programs were so limited so I didn’t know the actual name of the person who do research on insects. So, I gave a new name “insectists” like scientist.
Then I wanted to become a “snaktist”, a person who find about snakes. When I found that I was so fond of movies I wanted to become an actress… then I felt its bit disgusting to romance with many actors by pretending that he is the only one in her life… then I gave up that idea too… then a movie maker as I was always filled with imaginations… I thought my movies are far more exciting than the one I watch in the TV.